i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize