dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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