I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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