just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
