i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
