If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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