She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
