it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
