and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
That's how pantless uber rides happen
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize