By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
