I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
