On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
