If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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