can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
