Do you still have your period?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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