So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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