the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize