Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
