actually, I'm a sock model
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
