This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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