You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
