that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
