In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i don't like sucking hair
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
