I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
