If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All I want is dick and wine.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
