Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
