I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
