If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
