can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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