you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
