If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize