Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
