i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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