New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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