I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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