well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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