I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
