She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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