I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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