i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
