I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
