i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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