she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
