Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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