I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
