your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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