Four minutes until I can fart!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
don't judge my taste in strippers
And then my night got REAL pukey
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