He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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