Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
