i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I enjoy the company of your penis
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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