I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
