You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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