I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
