I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
