I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
