i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
should my penis look like a turkey
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
