With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
