Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
