I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
