Rock
Scissors
Fuck
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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