We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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