So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
