Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
