just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
