So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
